September 20th marked the end of my first month while being castrated.   

In general, I'm very happy that I decided to do this.  I'm not totally sure that both nuts will die, but nevertheless, having been castrated has caused some very interesting changes in my lifestyle and overall I am much happier today than I was a couple of months ago.   This is only partially due to my castration.

SEX DRIVE

Before I was done, I thought about sex almost all the time.  Mostly from a fantasy perspective, but I thought about it every minute my mind was available.  Once I decided to be castrated, I started trying to minimize that thought pattern, with limited success.  After I was done, the sexual interest disappeared almost immediately.   It hasn't ever come back.

In the last two weeks, I haven't had any other sexual thoughts of consequence.  I've been around a lot of attractive people and I do notice their attractiveness as well as the attractive parts of their bodies, but it doesn't translate into sexual interest.

ERECTIONS

Up until the two week mark, they were still happening regularly all by themselves.  Somewhere around two weeks, that started tapering off and I can't remember now, the last time my dick got hard by itself.

If I play with my dick, it will get hard.  It will start to go down the instant that I stop, but it will stay mostly hard provided I keep playing with my dick.  

My dick doesn't swell up in my pants like it wanted to get hard anymore, either.  Or for that matter, does it swell up when it's not in my pants.

MASTURBATION

I have always liked to play with my dick.  It is my favorite part of my body.  I've gotten laid at night and woke up the next morning to jerk off, many times, just because I like to play with my dick.  Always enjoyed the orgasms, too. 

Well, I still like to play with my dick and it still feels just as good as it ever did.   I don't think sexual fantasies now, I just watch myself, or think about how my sac will soon be empty, or how good it feels on my dick.  Those thoughts help me get hard but sexual fantasies do not. 

It is very hard to get close to orgasm.  I can sit here and jerk off for an hour or better and never get close to cumming.  I will keep approaching that crescendo, but my body will loose it before I go too far.  Eventually, if I keep at it long enough, I will cum.

Many times now, I sit here and jerk off for twenty or thirty minutes, and get to one of those little crescendos, and I'll just stop.  Period.   Forget about going further.   In the past, I could have never, ever accomplished that.  Once I had started I would always finish, no matter once.  But now, I've stopped in the middle of it several times just because I felt like doing something else now.

ORGASMS 

I don't know what's up here.   If I can get there, my dick still shoots cum.  Just like always, but it does sometimes have lumps in it.  Sometimes it seems a little watery, but sometimes not.  The longer it's been since I came, the more I'll squirt when I do come.  Some of my orgasms recently have been bigger than before (probably because I never went three or four days between orgasms before) but it seems to me that for the most part, orgasms function normally, once I get there.

DICK SIZE

My dick hasn't been getting hard as much and it has shrunk some.  There doesn't seem to be any change in length, but in width it certainly has lost some ... fullness.  This seems to be somewhat connected to how long since I last came - the longer it's been, the thicker my dick looks.  I don't really think there's been any real change in size, it's all in the amount of blood being held inside.

SCROTUM CONDITION

My cuts are healed now.  Last week I had some problems with ingrown hairs along the cut lines, but that was the only problem I had.  The white lines are still there, but they have faded a lot. 

Sac temperature is harder to say.  Life being back to normal now, I am dressed a lot of the time, and when I am my legs heat up my sac so it's warm to the touch then.  When I come home and sit around nude, it will be cool to the touch.   Not as cold as it used to be, just cool. 

My sac shrivels and expands just as it used to, based on temperature.  If my legs are closed up, like when I sit - it gets warm and expands.  The rest of the time he shrinks up.

MY LEFT TESTICLE

Is cooler than the right.  It felt like it was shrinking last week, but doesn't feel that way anymore.  It felt emptier last week, but doesn't feel that way anymore.  It is starting to throb sometimes now, especially when I'm at work and sitting down, sometimes it just throbs for 5 or 10 minutes.   I have more feeling in this ball than I did but still can't feel it much of the time.

The cords to my left nut still have a large swollen place in them where the cut line was.  Above this line, I can feel my cords a little.  Below this line, the cords and the swollen place are numb.  This swelling has gone down a lot in the last week.

MY RIGHT TESTICLE

Last week I thought it was following behind the left one, but I'm not sure anymore.  It has not changed in size or volume.  It's not as cool as the left, but it is cool.  I have more feeling in the right than I do the left but not much feeling in either one. 

The cords to my right nut have a very slight knot in them where the cut line was.  It's not swollen like the left is, I think what I feel is more scar tissue than anything else.

HORMONAL CHANGES

I have been inconsistent in comfortable temperatures the past few days.  I don't know if this is the beginning of hot flashes or not.  It hasn't been anything I've been able to really identify yet, just a pattern of inconsistencies that may be beginning.

The cuts have almost totally healed now.  There's still a white line there and a small ridge on the end of each cut, but other than that they are healed.  They itch sometimes down at the bottom but that's just the skin mending.

My scrotum still shrinks and expands just like normal.  When I'm dressed, my sac will loosen up and expand but as soon as I undress it shrinks up and will stay mostly shrunken until I get dressed.  This is different than before I was castrated, then my sac wouldn't shrink up very often while I was nude around home.  Before my sac started staying shrunken, I couldn't find the damage place in my right cords.  But after it started shrinking up I could easily see the places on both sides that look like swelling, but is actually just the swollen and damaged cords.  I've found the right cord damage finally.

My left nut is still very cool to the touch.   The right nut is cool but no where near as cool as the left one is.  I have no feeling anywhere below the cut lines, but if I squeeze my testicles hard I can feel it inside them - on both sides.  Sometimes something down there aches and I can't really tell what it is that I feel.  Other times if I'm standing up then something hurts but I'm not sure that's not the cord remnants above the cut line. 

I don't think that anything is shrinking as of yet.  It's really hard to say because of the difference in size when my sac expands or shrinks.  Holding my testicles themselves, I don't think they've shrunk at all.

I'm still waking up in the morning with a hard-on, but it disappears quickly once I'm awake.  During the day, no matter how much I like whoever I see, my dick never even stirs.  Last time I jerked off was probably 3 or 4 days ago - it was very hard to get an erection but it did eventually happen.  Once I got hard, it was like a rock but it wouldn't maintain if I stopped jerking.  When I came there was a lot of volume and the color was correct, but the consistency was strange.  It was not thick like normal, and it ran off my hand almost like water does.  There was a lumpy quality to about a third of the volume.  It was very difficult to cross that little threshold between feeling good and cumming.

There is no sexual desire for the sake of an orgasm.  I do not feel anymore, that I NEED to cum.  But for years I came every day, and formed the habits.  Every twelve hours or so my brain says I should jerk off or something but my body no longer agrees.  Sexual desire lives on from a different point of view - the desire for emotional contact or for an expression of affection still lives on. 

After I was castrated, I stopped shaving so that I could see if my hair would grow back slowly or quickly.  Well, my body hair is not growing anywhere near as quickly as it used to.  I would have to guess that it is growing at about half the pre-castration rate.  Facial hair may be a little slower than normal but not really noticeably slower.  As soon as my cut lines are totally healed I'll shave again and then see how quick it grows.

Last week was a horribly high-stress week at work and by the end of the week I was not optimistic about the success of my castration, because of how much things had seemed to return to normal.  But as I got through the weekend and unwound a little in general, my body settled down some and so did my balls.  So I think that part of what was doubts that surfaced last week may have actually been work and stress related.  This week, things have seemed more like I would have expected them too.

Email off this site is great.   I've been writing with a man who was castrated by burdizzo many years ago, and has since castrated others.  It's given me a chance to ask some questions about the feeling in my nuts.  He tells me it is not unusual to sometimes still have feeling down there - especially if I'm feeling of them and squeezing them trying to feel them.  He's seen the pics and read my updates and feels my left nut is almost certainly done for - and possibly the right one too.  His bottom line opinion is that I will have to wait a couple more weeks to know for sure.

The last two days have made me seriously think that both nuts are done for.   I say this because of the temperature, and because of the consistency of the last orgasm, and the lack of caring about cumming anymore.  When I do jerk off it's because I want to judge the appearance of my cum.

August 31, 2001.  Day # 10

Curiosity required that I feel of my balls more closely.  I'm not at all sure what I feel down there but I do feel something.  It may be in that membrane stuff that is on top of the testicle. 

There is a lot of swelling on both sides, where the cords were actually clamped in the burdizzo.  Especially on the left side.  The cord remnant swelling isn't anywhere near as intense on the right side.   I can't find any swollen place at all in the spermatic cord on the right side but everything else on the right side is swollen.  Makes me wonder if perhaps we got everything except the spermatic cord on the right side.

I'm still not a all sure what exactly is happening.  The swelling of my scrotum is gone now.  If I grab either testicle and try to work the membrane away so I can feel just the testicle, they seem like they are smaller and I don't feel much then.  But I cannot mistake the fact that I do have feeling again in the cords remnants that are below the cut line.

I went out in the river in a kayak all day today.  Could feel the coolness in my crotch a lot of the day, and considering I was in 90 degree weather in the Florida sun, COOL was a big step.   My pants were uncomfortable while sitting for so long because the cuts, which are still healing quite well, but they are very tender and cause a lot of periodic discomfort, especially if I'm dressed.

I do not think this is all proceeding perfectly any longer and am not really sure what the outcome will be.  I know that I can accept a dead testicle or a living one - but a partially dead one would seem to me to be potentially dangerous and may be something that would require removal.  I'll have to remember this and keep my eyes wide open.

I have started over the last couple days to get repeated aches in my gut, right up on tight of my dick where my cords go to.  At different times it aches there and when it does I can feel the cords also aching so I know the two issues are related.  Yesterday I felt down there and it seemed like my gut was unusually cool right there as well. 

My left nut remains unusually cool but it is not anywhere near as cold as it was two days ago.

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Day Seven

Well, today I went back to work.  That means off to the office at 7am where I am pretty much trapped and busy until at least 7pm.  Went through work (fully dressed, of course) but did a ball check around noontime and found my balls totally cold.  That's new, they've been cold before but not yet while I was dressed - and spending a lot of time sitting with them in between my warm legs.

Anyway everything else is going really well.  While I was at home tonight, for a while my dick was resting on my nuts and I had to move my dick, it was getting cold.  I had to keep my legs open a little too wide, because my balls were cold and it made the skin on my legs uncomfortable.

I do not really feel any different mentally yet.  I do feel relieved to be this far, and maybe a little more relaxed than normal, but not enough different to be able to describe it yet.  I do not have any interest in sex, not beyond what is happening to my balls.   And that interest isn't really sexual.  My dick hasn't gotten hard today.  When I woke up this morning, I had a half-way hard on that was gone as soon as I took my first leak.

My cuts are healing well.  They are very clean and may scar some after all.  I hadn't really realized just how deep they were until now that they are clean of scabbing.  It doesn't help that my nuts are dangling and pulling the scrotum downward, forcing the cuts to heal open.  I hate to wear clothing at home so I seldom do and that means my balls are going to dangle until they are gone.

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Day Six

Woke up this morning, no hard on.  My sac was shrunk all up tight and it stayed that way until I got dressed.   Went to visit someone today, so I spent several hours in the car and was dressed.  Something hurt down there a lot but I don't really know what hurt.

When I got home and undressed, they were loose and hanging low again, very warm to the touch (probably from being trapped in my pants so long) they got cold again right away after I undressed.

Swellings gone down a lot.   Maybe that was from being in underwear all day. 

Both testicles are numb and everything below the cut line is cold now.  The ends of my cords above the cut line still hurt sometimes if I stand up too long, but not as bad as yesterday.

Haven't been in the least bit interested in anything sexual all day.  I still look at cute guys, but I don't think about raping them in the street anymore.  

Mentally, I'm more relaxed than normal today.  I won't really describe it as 'calm' because I'm normally a hyper person.  But today I just don't feel quite as hyper. 

For the most part all I feel down there now is dead weight hanging.  I still get a few twitches here and there but mostly it feels like just dead weight.  It's very strange to hold your balls in your hand, and feel them with your hand, but all you can feel is your ball sac and some kind of weight pushing it around.

Tomorrow I'll be going back to work so they'll get to spend all day in my pants again. 

Day Five

Today when I woke up, my dick was not hard.  It twitched a little as I arose, giving a half-hearted attempt at a first thing in the morning hard on, but I didn't want to jerk off and so my dick quickly lost interest.  It shriveled up and has been lying there useless ever since.

My balls are cold today.  There's no question what is cold and what is not today.  Every part of my testicles are cold and I can feel that cold right through my warm scrotum.

The pain in my cords isn't there right now, either.  Everything below the burdizzo cuts feels totally numb right now.

The swelling is still unchanged.  It may have gone down a slight amount, but not enough to be sure if it did or not.

So far today, my balls are not hanging low.  My scrotum is shriveled up a little.  Not much, just enough to shrink some.  The swelling still causes enough extra weight to make by scrotum dangle from the extra weight.  I'm not sure is the shrinkage comes from the coldness of my testicles, or if it's the next stage in the death of my balls.  I guess I'll see more as today goes on.

My scrotum is itching a lot where my cuts are healing, but they are healing very, very nicely.  I do not think there will be any scarring there. 

My gut is not aching like it was when I went to bed.  At least not yet.

I feel pretty normal, otherwise, today.  That weird feeling that I had for the first couple days is not with me today. 

As the day went on, it pretty much finished as it started.  Through the afternoon I got several hard-on's but never had the urge to masturbate, so I didn't.  I'm curious what my cum would look like today, but not curious enough to really care.

All day long today I lounged around, reading and working on this page.  And my sac didn't ache at all while I was sitting.  But in the evening, I went outside to water my flowerbeds and was walking around and so forth and the cord ache started up again, just as painfully as it did last night.   Now that I'm sitting again, the cords still ache a little but not as bad. 

The temperature of my balls hasn't really changed much all day.  They were cold this morning and still are tonight.  If they contact against my legs for very long they'll become warm where they were touching my legs but that's it.  The coldness, and the internal numbness, extends all the way up to where the burdizzo scar is at now.

I'm now sure that the swelling has gone down a little.  Not very much, just a little bit.  And my ball sac looks like it's got a purplish-color to it on the bottom/front but I can't see it good enough to be sure. 

My ball sac is itching a lot tonight.  Not just where my cuts are healing, but all over.  The itches go away quick, but come right back.

A couple of times while I was outside with my flowerbeds, I thought I got light-headed but the feeling passed before I could identify it.

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Day Four

I woke up this morning with a killer hard on but it disappeared rather quickly and my dick hasn't twitched once all day long.

My cuts are still healing very nicely.

The swelling of my scrotum is unchanged.  Still about twice it's size.  About halfway through the day, it started to seem like my scrotum wasn't as swollen as it had been, but I'm not really sure of that yet.

My left nut is totally numb.  I can't feel anything when I squeeze it now.  My right one is mostly numb, but I can still feel a little way down inside if I squeeze hard.  My right nut still aches a little but not at all bad.

My cords HURT.  There is no 'ache' involved here at all, they HURT.  It's right where the burdizzo clamped across them.  I guess things are dying from the bottom up.

My balls are still dangling as low as they can.  They are both cool to the touch now - it's hard to tell because my scrotum is alive and warm, holding these cold dead balls inside.  So it's hard to tell just how cold they are.

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Day Three

Today I stayed around home all day and wore shorts - or nothing - all day.

Jerked off this morning.  It was really hard to come, I kept getting to that edge but as soon as I'd get there I'd loose the urge to cum.  Finally I blew a load.  There was a lot of clear liquid, plus some normal white stuff that looked a little watery, and there was some watered-down blood in there, too.   Felt good but not as rewarding as it used to be.

Serious ball-ache sent into my left nut today.  It was numb on the outside, but if I squeezed hard, I could feel it way down inside the testicle.  It's cool to the touch now - not cold, just cool.  I guess the ache comes from the gradual death of the testicle.  Nothing really changed much in my right nut yet.

The swelling hasn't really changed, my sac is still swollen up about twice it's normal size. 

My cuts are healing well.  The swelling around them has gone down a lot and they look extremely well today.

I woke up this morning with a monster hard on.  In fact, all day long, every time I even thought of my dick it started to swell up.  I wasn't really horny inside, because my balls hurt to bad.  But my dick sure was alive today.

Halfway through the day the ache in my left nut went away.  Later on, the right one started to ache.  Not anywhere near as bad as the left one had. 

The places where the burdizzo actually clamped my cords started to ache tonight.  Now this is a constant throb that's much more severe than the ache in my nuts have been.  This gets worse when I walk or stand because my nuts are still hanging low and gravity makes them pull on these sore places.

Last thing today, my gut started to ache, right on the bottom where I believe my cords connect from my balls.  The ache in my cords has lessened a lot, to be replaced by this dull ache in my gut.  It's not really painful, just an ache that I know is there, but it's not really offensive.

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Day Two

When I woke up today my balls were swollen up almost twice their normal size.  It didn't hurt, they just felt a little uncomfortable.  The cuts were scabbed well but had swollen up horribly around the edges and looked particularly ugly today.   But there wasn't really any pain.

I spent most of the day dressed as I ran around visiting a strange beach town.  Later on I left to go home and drove 500 miles   While I was sitting down my left nut started to ache, not bad, just a dull pain like I'd been kicked.  It ached most of the way home. 

When I got home and undressed, my cuts looked like they were healing well, but were still swollen up around the edges and very ugly looking.  Being in my underwear so long had apparently reduced the swelling in my balls but they swelled back up not long after I undressed.  The left one kept aching.  The right one still felt pretty normal.

The swelling wasn't in my testicles.  But everything else in my scrotum was swollen up. 

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Day One

Not much to tell you about today.  The cuts scabbed really well but I didn't really feel anything unusual today.   Got dressed and jumped in my car and drove 200 miles to the beach.  Sitting down didn't bother me.

Later on after I got there, when I'd taken my underwear off, my balls started to ache a little but nothing really bad.

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