My 2006 Castration Step by Step

On September 16, 2006, I clamped myself with a burdizzo. I clamped each nut twice. Here's the log of my experience afterward.
October 10, 2007 Now it's been 13 months since my second clamping. My balls have shrunk steadily but slowly. They're a lot smaller then they were, and what I can feel and not see, is that the shell of the nut is at least half empty. I have no doubt they're dead, but I haven't had a second t-test to actually confirm it. Anyway, they feel a lot smaller but don't really look a lot smaller. They aren't really cold, but they are cooler than the rest of me. The skin of my sac is healthy and warm. I don't really have any feeling in my nuts, if I squeeze them I do feel something, it's not really pain, but it feels bad. Sexually, my sex drive is just gone. I couldn't care less. If I try to masturbate, it feels about as satisfying as giving myself a finger massage. My dick hasn't lost much length, probably because my prince albert tries to stretch it. But it has lost just about all it's thickness. Over the past six months I think I have woke up witha hard on three times, and two of them were right after I started taking testosterone. I do still look at attractive people, but they don't attract me any more. I used to only look at men, but now I look at men and women equally. Because I don't connect sex with looking anymore, sexual preference has become irrelevant. Now, an attractive person, is an attractive person. Period, regardless of gender. It's kind of relaxing in a strange kind of way. I stopped taking the estridol about a month ago. I really didn't want to take testosterone, so I was hoping that maybe I could get away with taking estrogen instead. While I did experience a lot of good effects from the estrogen, I also did a lot of research on the subject. I learned that estrogen could do some good things for me, but that the most important fuctions required testosterone. A certain amount of testosterone is necessary for our long term good health, and no matter how much I want to, I can't change that. So I stopped taking the estridol, and now am taking a very small dose of bioidentical testosterone. I'm working on pages for my site to share what I've learned and experienced in more detail, I'm not done yet but you can get there from this link. Over the last couple months, I've experienced some changes but can't distinguish what's from the castration; and what's from the estrogen. Both could have caused the loss of muscle tone I've expereinced. I've gained 5 pounds, but the loss of muscle tone has added 4 inches to my waist and also given me flabbier thighs and butt. This could have been from the castration, or the estrogen, or both. I'll never know. Before my first castration, I was about 95% muscle and in good shape. After the first one, I lost a little muscle and gained a little fat, but not much. After the second time, I noticed another, much bigger loss of muscle. Then when I started taking the estrogen I lost even more muscle. I've only gained 15 pounds total, but 10 of that has been after the second castration. My waist has grown from 32" to 36". As I look at my body today, I realize while I'm certainly not fat, my body has created a really good foundation to GET fat if I'm not careful. Before being castrated, I would have been HORRIFIED to even THINK I could get fat. Perhaps one of the biggest changes in me now, is that while I hope I don't get fat, it's not the end of the world if I do. I'd rather live the way I do and if that is the price, so be it. Now that's a big change in how I feel now versus a few years ago! Mentally things have been good. My mind has been pretty stable, and that's probably from the hormones. Plus some other good stuff has happened, such as I moved to a part of town I've wanted to live in for years (near the water) and since life has been going very well, my overall mood has been pretty good. I have been exercising more recently and while I can't say I feel stronger or anything, I have certainly built up more endurance. I seem to be pretty much as strong as I ever was, I don't get tired in the store anymore or anything like that. There really isn't much else new or different. The bottom line is that I'm happy, I'm at peace with myself and who or what I am. I need to work on my hormone therapy and fine tune it a bit, and I really don't care if my nuts finish shrinking or not. (I have to bend over to see past my stomach anyway). My sex drive is gone, and life is good. What more can I say? Oh I'll try to get some new pictures posted soon and when I do, I'll make this into a link. The don't look much different, they just feel much smaller. Hard to judge what I feel from a picture! TOP April 10, 2007 I just (finally) took some new pictures and uploaded them to The Photo Gallery. One thing that has changed a lot since my castration, is the level of modesty that I feel is natural. Before I was clamped I had no reluctance to take pictures of my nude body and to share those pictures. Now it's different. I now feel a certain sense of modesty that I never felt since I got over my teenage little-dick hang ups. This is one reason it took so long to update my photos - I really didn't want to post them and I still don't. I'm proud of my dick but I don't want you to see it. On to the facts. First off, for most of the past week I feel different when I walk or even sit around. I no longer can feel my balls swinging when I walk...and when I sit I only feel them if I happen to sit ON one. And then it's not a hurt, it is just a feeling like I sat on something foreign. My balls feel, and act, quite dead. They are chilly to the touch. Both are totally numb - not the skin, just the testicle inside the skin. They have lost size, more than you can tell in the pictures because the pictures don't reflect the fact that much of the lump you see, is actually empty shell, and also the fact that there is enough cord mass still attached to that shell to make it look bigger than it feels. I have been having some problems with arm pain that kicks in if I spend too much time on the keyboard. I know there are nerves in the elbow that are generally protected by muscle, and these nerves can be damaged by poor positioning of your arms while typing. For my age this should not be a problem but it appears to be. I suspect that I have lost muscle tone in my arm and that is preventing my body from protecting these nerves. I'm OK provided I don't spend too much time typing and watch the position of my elbows while I'm doing it. I spent a lot of last week working outside in the Florida heat and barely sweat at all. Came home very dirty but couldn't smell any perspiration odor at all. My body hair now grows so slowly you can barely notice it. I shaved around valentines day: that's two months ago. In that time my body hair has grown about as much as it used to grow in two or three weeks. About two weeks ago, I started taking a low dosage of hormones. The final factor in my decision to do so, was the fact that I could not control what I call my bad feelings - feelings of uselessness, purposelessness. I knew these feelings were unfounded, I could fight them, but I could not stop them. I lacked the motivation to actually take any action that could finally put an end to them. I had to fight on a daily basis the bad things my own mind would throw at me, and finally, I got tired of the fight. Gradually over the past two weeks, I have found a few changes. First off, I no longer require such an excessive amount of sleep. I no longer have to force myself to get out of bed in the morning. I actually look forward a little more to doing things than I did before hormones. Plus my "bad feelings" have been decreasing steadily - still have a ways to go but the battle has taken a distinct turn in my favor. Now I am not taking male hormones - I really don't want any possible return to having a sex drive and I am not looking to restore whatever masculinity that I may have lost. I am taking a hormone called Progynova - which is estradiol valerate. I take 1 mg in the morning, and 1 mg in the evening. This very small dosage should allow my body to get part of what it needs, without feminizing my body, which is good, because I do not want to change in either direction - masculine or feminine. BUT, since I still have no great absense of masculinity in my personality, if I do change, I would prefer minor changes toward feminity. PROVIDED I don't wind up with breasts or anything like that. I have good reason to expect that female hormones could cause me to gain more weight - and if so then I will readjust my plan. Currently I am 5'5" and I weight 155 ... I could easily gain ten more pounds without any significant change in appearance. (of course I do enjoy the advantage of not really wanting to attract someone). I figure that I will have to play around with the dosage a little to get it right, and after everything stabilizes I will cut my current dosage in half - down to 1 mg. per day. But only time will tell, I may need to change which drug I take or the dosage. But for the moment, considering how I much better I feel mentally, and the extra energy I have found, I am happy with my decision. I closely monitor what is going on and will keep you posted. For anyone who wants to know, I did a ton of internet research on hormones - both male and female. I did not get these hormones from a Doctor because no Doctor would have prescribed what I wanted without all the mental evaluation crap. I researched effects, side effects, dosages, and more before I finally made a decision. Then I ordered my hormones online from Inhouse Pharmacy, I have a three month supply which cost me about $60. I have enjoyed good service from Inhouse Pharmacy and recommend them highly. But I also recommend that anyone use GREAT CARE before they prescribe themselves a drug such as I have. The dosage taken depends on many factors including body weight, activity level, lifestyle as well as desired effects and other pre-existing health conditions. *WHAT WORKS FOR ME MAY NOT WORK FOR SOMEONE ELSE.* TOP March 22, 2007 Over the last week, the swelling in my cords has gradually gone down. My balls don't really LOOK any different, but I can feel a huge difference in them. Both of them are less than half the size of what they were before I swelled up. But they are still wrapped up in so much cord that my sac doesn't really look any different. What's left of my balls is still pretty firm, like the half that is gone was. So I suspect that they will continue to loose mass over the coming weeks or months. Anyway, at the moment they are a little less than half the size they were when I clamped them the second time. I'm working on a revised photos page and when I finish it I will put some recent photos up there too. But right now there aren't any photos you can see. I'm actually working on a major overhaul of the entire site that should be up by April 1st. TOP March 15, 2007 Last week my sac started swelling up. Both balls looked HUGE and my sac was swollen almost like I had just clamped it. Closer inspection with my fingers revealed that my balls themselves, were half empty again, and the cords where they connect to the ball is where the swelling was. What is left of my ball was still firm, but it looks like the insides of the ball is breaking up and being flushed out of my body via the cords, causing the cords to swell as the dead tissue passes through. Mentally, I feel a bit better. I still have some bad feelings, but they are much milder and I spend much less time fighting them now. TOP March 1, 2007 For the last week or so, both of my balls have been giving me little "pain attacks" where one or the other of them will hurt like hell for about ten seconds then the pain subsides and goes away, and the ball will be numb again. This will happen three or four times a day, at various times. There seems to be no pattern beyond the fact that it happens every 3 or 4 hours. Other than this, they are both still numb, and still very solid. I am really having to fight this mental stuff again. So far I've been winning the fight but frankly the fight itself is beginning to wear me down. I call this "testosterone withdrawal" and I know that soon my body will adjust and I will be able to maintain again, like after the first castration. I also know hormones would solve the problem and I am wrestling with the thoughts of taking the easy way out. I have pretty much decided to do so, I just need to do some more research. TOP February 15, 2007 Not much new ... I feel kind of mentally blah, still fighting the bad feelings, still winning the fight. I have gained about five more pounds since last September. That puts my total post-castration weight gain at 10 pounds, from 145 to 155. I can feel that my butt is a little bigger, and I can see that I have put a little weight on my upper chest, and maybe a bit in my thighs. But overall distribution is pretty good, and the extra ten pounds was really needed. My balls are still very firm and solid. I mean solid not as in the opposite of squishy, but solid like a basketball kind of solid. They are both quite numb and don't really look like they've lost any mass. They don't look or feel alive but certainly haven't shrunk. TOP January 30, 2007 My balls have gotten very hard and firm. They're still both numb, cool but not cold. I still have zero sex drive, but I am more aware of being emotionally alone then I have been up 'till now. I am equally aware that I can solve this emotional issue any time I want to. Of more significance, is the fact that my state of mind is less solid than it has been. When I got so depressed in 2002-2003, I was plagued with feelings of uselessness, worthlessness, and just a general self-dislike. I knew the feelings were unfounded but my mind kept throwing them at me anyway. Gradually as I climbed out of the depression, those feelings have faded and gotten more distant. Well, Those "bad feelings" are back. It's not really strong but my mind is throwing those little guilt trips at me again. This does convince me that the 'mental instability' of 2002-2003 as well as this last week is caused by low testosterone. It also suggests that my t-level has dropped even more since the test. Another significant change is the way my body perspires. Now after the first castration, the amount of sweat my body produced, dropped considerably. BUT my perspiration still stunk and when it was hot I still would sweat quite a lot. Not anymore. Now there is a noticeable difference in the odor of my perspiration - mostly in that there IS no odor to speak of. Also when hot, I do still sweat, but not very much. TOP January 9, 2007 I am very comfortable that my balls have lost mass since I last wrote. They are not really shrinking, they are loosing mass inside the shell. The shell itself doesn't really feel any smaller. Visually they look pretty much like they did a few weeks ago, but when I squish them they flatten out a lot more than ever before. Someone wrote me a few months ago and mentioned that my situation sounded like it could be a sub-capsular castration. This is where they remove the insides of the testicle and leave the shell so that you look the same as you did. I guess this can also happen by chance and it seems to be that she could have been correct. It does seem to be going that way. There was a time when I would have been horribly concerned that I didn't look castrated. Since the second clamping this has lessened quite a bit. Frankly I consider myself castrated and no longer really care if the sac is empty or not. It would be nice if it was. It would be nice if I won the lottery, too. Remember that I live in Florida and right now it's in the 70's in the daytime most days. So normally I would sweat quite easily. The first castration caused me to perspire less, but I still did perspire a lot. Now I hardly perspire at all. I stopped wearing deodorant about ten days ago, and still have yet to notice any odor or for that matter, more than just a tiny bit of dampness in my armpits at all. This is a big change just since the second castration. Since my encounter with physical weakness a few weeks ago, I have been walking and exercising regularly and have not noticed any further change in physical strength. Nor has it improved. The exercise seems to be allowing me to maintain but not improve. Sexually my dick doesn't even twitch anymore. If it got hard by itself I'd be to shocked to do anything with it. If I play with it, I will eventually get partially hard but not like it used to. I don't have much desire to play with it, either. I have been having some difficulties the last few weeks with stress from work and probably from the holidays, too. It feels like I am wrestling with the depression demons again but I am winning this time, because I know they are there. Anyway I do think it means that my testosterone level has gone down more, so it's likely that over the next few weeks I will experience more changes. I still haven't had anything that I could identify as a hot flash. I will say that I think my butt is bigger. I have taken pictures and I cannot see a difference, but it sure does feel different - bigger - than it was just a short while ago. It could be a change in muscle tone that makes it feel bigger. Since I have no idea how much I weighed a few months ago it doesn't matter what I weigh today. I cannot really detect any other muscle tone changes. I have noticed another significant change in how fast my body hair grows. There is no real change in my facial hair, but the hair in my armpits is growing very slowly. The hair on the top of my chest, which used to be as thick as the rest of my chest hair - now the hair above my nipples is almost non existent. It does grow, but at a pace that's so slow, you can count the hairs. TOP December 19, 2006 The last few days I've noticed that my balls aren't as squishy as they were a few weeks ago. The left ball is about 2/3 empty and the right ball is about 1/2 empty. But now the part that isn't empty is firmer. They are still numb but I have felt some odd twinges down there at various different times. Something is changing but I'm not sure yet if they are finishing dying or starting to wake back up. On the other hand I still have absolutely no sex drive and in every other way feel like it's been successful. In fact my sex drive is so gone that often many days go by when I don't even think about checking to see if my balls are different. I can sit here and spend hours working on my site never even thinking about how my balls are progressing. I haven't had any other real issues with being tired, but I have been walking a lot more and trying to be more active. So I have probably built back up to a more normal endurance limit - at least for now. No new photos this week. They look just like they did last time. TOP December 10, 2006 I will now say with absolutely no doubt, that I am experiencing a loss of energy, or loss of strength. More accurately, loss of endurance. Recently I have noticed at odd times that I seem to get winded a bit quicker than I used to. Yesterday in the grocery store, I noticed that carrying that little basket around the store was unusually tiring. Today, just lugging my laundry around to get it in the washer wore me out. I recovered quickly after I was done. I didn't have that much laundry, it should not have been that tiring. Even now when I do things around the house, while I haven't yet noticed anything specific, I do seem to tire more from doing simple things than I used to. At this point in time, it is annoying, but not yet anything that I think I can't deal with by doing something a little more vigorous for exercise. We'll see how that goes. TOP December 1, 2006 The most significant change for now is that I have problems motivating myself to even just inspect my nuts. The concern for if they are gone or not is no longer there. They feel to me as if they are shrinking. I'm not having sexual thoughts or feelings. It seems to me that I have been successful and most days go by, with my nuts getting no more attention than is necessary to wash them. The left nut feels almost empty, yet the shell doesn't seem to have shrunk, it's just the inside. The right nut is fuller and firmer than the left. Both of them are still totally numb. My cords have been hurting. When I do not touch them I do not feel them, but, after I wash or in any other way touch them, they will throb for a while afterwards. My sac is almost always shriveled up. It's because my cords are shriveled up causing my balls to not reach as low as they used to. My brain still tells me to masturbate; my body replies WHY? I no longer have an answer to the question. My overall mood is still excellent. Life certainly isn't perfect; you'd never know from my mood. It's like I am high ... on life or something. I have been doing a lot of walking, recreationally, since my grocery store incident. I have always walked, but as I considered that problem I realized that since September 16 I had spent most of my free time on this site and very little of it walking. That basic "out of shape" issue probably contributed to my being tired as I walked home. Truth is, with where my t-level is right now, I shouldn't be experiencing much of a loss of strength or endurance YET. Someone wrote to me and suggested I put a rubber band around my sac for the pictures; thinking this would show better the change in size. First off, stretching my cords out hurts. That is an idea that would hurt! Second it wouldn't give anything to compare the photo to. And last, I'm simply not interested enough to have ANY desire to do something such as that. So while it could be a worthwhile suggestion, I'm not doing that, at least not for now. Basically, all is well. I think my nuts should have done more shrinking than they have, yet people with more experience than I have written to say that isn't so. It appears I may have many months to wait yet before they are really gone. I am pretty confident that they are not functioning. TOP November 19, 2006 My balls feel more empty now than they did last time I really checked them out. It's been a few days. They also feel, and look smaller now. They are still totally numb. They both still feel emptier than they look, I can squeeze the left one almost totally flat with very little effort. The right one is slightly fuller than the left but not a lot fuller. The skin of my sac is fully healed and has all the feeling it should...it's just the nuts inside the sac that are numb. Earlier today I walked about four blocks to the grocery store to get some crap, probably about ten pounds worth. I planned to walk home with it; no big deal, it's a beautiful day today. This is something I've done for years, I love to be able to walk or bike ride close by to shop like this. Anyway today I got all done and started to go home. I hadn't even made it out of the parking lot before I was tired. The grocery bags seemed to weigh a ton! I stuck it out and kept walking, but to be honest the entire four blocks was a struggle, I wanted to sit down and rest! Just two weeks ago the exact same chore was well within my abilities, so this "weakness" is new, just here in the last couple weeks. I'm in a real good mood, have been for weeks now. Real positive, real upbeat. I feel that I have all kinds of stuff to live for, to look forward to. It is an unusually good mood for the circumstances, for while life is good, it certainly isn't perfect. Anyway there isn't a lot else that's changed or is new. TOP November 15, 2006 You probably already know that last Friday I went and took a serum testosterone test. This test measures the level of testosterone in the blood. An eunuch I know who was castrated successfully by a burdizzo said that about two months after he was clamped, his t-level was 310 which is higher than mine is. He also said that at the one year mark, his had dropped to 115 which is damned near a female reading. So from his experiences, the reading I have right now is not really an indication of anything. As the Doctor said, I will have to have another reading in the future to find out for sure. Besides that, there isn't much different. My nuts are still totally numb and my sex drive still seems to be totally missing. Not much difference in the size or feel of my nuts since last week. It's been a very busy week at work and tonight I'm rather tired. Other than that, I am doing quite well. So I will work on this site another night. TOP November 8, 2006 Today they are back to feeling empty. Emptier than they felt on Nov. 3rd. The skin of my sac is starting to return to normal but my balls have less weight now, so they do not make the sac hang as low as it used to. Both balls are still totally numb. There is feeling in the cords above the places where they were clamped, and none below there. I thought I had no sex drive last week then I got to this week and found I have less. A couple weeks ago sex was a subject that offended me. It offends me less today. I am still not interested, but at least I can talk about the subject without taking offense. I assume that I am becoming more secure in my lack of a sex drive now, that is probably the difference. Days go by now without me even thinking to check my balls. I work on this site a lot and I do so and never even think "are my balls smaller". It used to be if I sat around my house nude for so much as five minutes I would wind up jerking off. Not anymore. I can sit around all day nude and the only time I even think about HAVING a dick is if I have to piss. I did jerk off this weekend, more out of curiosity than anything else. It was easier than I expected, but I guess after two weeks without doing anything I shouldn't be surprised. Anyway the semen was much more watery, and clearer than it was before. A lot. I took my Prince Albert out a few weeks ago to wash it up and didn't have the interest to put it back in, thinking I will tomorrow. It's been two or three weeks and tomorrow still hasn't got here. I no longer find it erotic. Next Saturday I am going to tell my older sister what I have done. She's the most open minded person in my family but I expect I will really shock her. Anyway I'll let you know what happens. Oh yea, the argument last week? Well he is still avoiding me. I am not upset but I am still angry. I haven't changed a bit since the argument. I wasn't out of control then, just angry. And I still feel exactly the same way I did then. The anger is there, IF I think about it. But the anger doesn't obsess me or even disturb my mood. This is another new dimension to anger for me. As our weather starts cooling down, I find that the cooler temperatures effect me more now than they ever have before. It is not a problem, I just notice it more than I used to. I still have not experienced anything I could call a hot flash. TOP November 3, 2006 Every since my balls started feeling "empty", I've noticed that they would be a certain amount of empty for a few days, then they would firm up for a day or so, then they would go back to being empty again. It seems like each time they went back to being empty, it was a little emptier than it had been before the firm spell. Well, last night and today they were firm. They are semi empty right now and I don't know yet where they will end up. My sac is still rather tight. The skin can loosen up, but doesn't unless I take a hot bath or something. The right nut, right where the clamp folded the skin, is tender, not painful. I'm not sure if it is the skin or the cords inside, because the feeling isn't constant. My brain sure is trying to tell me it's time to masturbate, but I still have no interest. I think I'm a little past two weeks right now, which for me is amazing. Physically, my body doesn't miss it. My brain is trying to make up for it. Both balls are still totally numb. I proved the other day that I do still have a temper. I got into a real good argument with one of the salesmen at work. (I am his boss) But it was different. I wasn't wrong to be pissed, or to argue. He had already pushed me far beyond what in days gone by I would have tolerated. Also even during the argument, there was a new kind of control inside me. As I was arguing, I knew it was because I wanted to. I hadn't lost my temper, I wasn't out of control. I'm sure that everyone who saw us THOUGHT I'd lost my temper, but I hadn't. What words came out of my mouth were just as planned and rational as they would have been in a normal conversation. It was a whole new way to be pissed off. TOP October 29, 2006 My balls are still totally numb. My sac is healed so well you can barely see the scars. They will fade nicely. My cords are no longer swollen but I can feel knots in them like scar tissue or something. This week my right nut has changed a lot more than my left. The death of the left nut seems to have slowed a bit, and the death of the right nut seems to be speeding up. My left ball feels almost empty. It does still have it's shape. It feels a lot smaller than it looks. I squeeze it and can feel some cord or vein that is inside the nut between my fingers. Last week there wasn't much flesh to insulate them. This week it feels like there is none. My right ball is a lot emptier now. Not as empty as my left nut. It feels flat. This is the first hint of a loss of shape I've seen. I don't think it looks as flat or as small as it seems. For a couple weeks now I've been fairly certain the left nut would die. It was so far ahead of the right one on being 'empty'. I haven't been as sure about the right nut; I knew shrinkage had occurred but wasn't sure how much more to expect. Now I can have no doubt, the feel of my right nut is past what I expect would be the point of no return. There is so little substance inside either of them now, that I find it very hard to believe they could recover. I am starting to experience something new. Sometimes my balls will have a little twinge of ache. I just squeezed them both to write the above paragraphs. Right now, after squeezing them, I feel them ache from the squeeze. But I don't feel it. It's like I know they are trying to ache, but I can't feel it. There is no pain, no discomfort, actually no feeling at all except for the skin. It's like a numbed ache. I know it's there but I can't feel it. This is new. It passes pretty quick and I don't always have to squeeze them to make it happen, sometimes I can do it by moving. Probably meaning when my legs squeeze my nuts. Anyway my theory is, that I am somehow feeling the gradual shrinkage. No clue if that's true but it makes as much sense as anything else. Anyway all in all I think everything is progressing well. I have little doubt my balls are still dying. Mentally everything is going well. Sexually everything isn't going which of course was the original plan. The other morning I did wake up with a morning erection. The first in months! And it didn't want to go down. The interesting thing was my perception. I never even considered jerking off. Sex acts didn't enter my brain. I saw it as a curiosity, watching as I wondered how long it would last. It lasted 4 or 5 minutes which was at least twice as long as expected. I think it was more a piss-hard on than anything else but they don't happen often anymore either. TOP October 23, 2006 Well everything is moving right along. Both my nuts are still totally numb. Both still have their shape, but if I squeeze them each is 'emptier' than it was last week. Especially the left nut. When I squeeze it I can actually feel the cord inside the testicle, there is no longer enough flesh inside there to insulate it. The left one looks smaller. The right one might, I'm not yet sure. I took some pictures tonight and sent them in, soon they'll be in the photos section of the group. My nuts feel cold when I sit around and they lay on my legs. Bottom line is they are still there, but they are still acting like they are shriveling up. Since I've never had my nuts shrivel up and die before I don't know just how they should act. But I think they are still dying. Just not as fast as I would like. On the other hand, I don't really have much luck masturbating anymore. I still can, and yes it still feels good to stimulate my penis. But I just don't have the motivation. If I grab it and start jerking my mind will be saying "Why" and I have no answer. I just don't care anymore. I've been working a lot on my web site. Used to be if I spent all day pouring through castration stuff by the end of the day I'd just have to jerk off on general principal if nothing else. Yesterday I worked on the site all day and answered a bunch of email and all and at night I did think about how I could jerk off and I just failed to get up and do it. Masturbation rated about as high as clipping my toenails. This is what I've really wanted, to just not care. And I don't. I guess the biggest real change is in my perception. I don't really know if I'll be totally successful this time or not. But I know that I BELIEVE I've been successful. Most importantly, to me, for the first time, I really feel like an eunuch, because finally, I just can't find any of my sex drive. TOP October 18, 2006 Right now my gut instinct is that both nuts are dying. But I'm not ready to say for sure yet. Both are still totally numb and both feel a lot emptier. They still have their shape. I clamped each side twice and if I do succeed I think that will be the big difference. I have no doubt that if I had only clamped once per side, like the first time, everything would already be healed up. This time the damage was too massive for that. I can say that what was left of my sex drive seems to have drove away without me. Last night after I got home from work, my brain told me to masturbate and I decided sure, why not? I decided that later on after dinner & all, I would masturbate. Guess what? I FORGOT. I never would have believed that was possible until it happened to me. TOP October 11, 2006 Both testicles still have their shape but today both of them seem considerably emptier than they were a couple days ago. I think they are both trying to die :-) Both of them are totally numb and my scrotum is healed up but the marks still show. Every once in a while I will get a twitch down there, I think it is in the cords where the last little lump is healing. It doesn't hurt, it is kind of like a healing itch. A minor discomfort. I tried masturbating last night lost interest in the first 5 minutes. Don't have enough interest to try tonight. Don't really care. TOP October 4, 2006 Hi Guys. Sorry I've been quiet so long. Everything is going fine and I feel great but I really haven't wanted to talk about this subject bad enough to sit down and type something. The hornier I am the more I want to talk about this. I have not been in the least little bit horny. This is a good sign... Anyway today I am not at all sure that it has failed. This week my nuts have gotten colder. Not cold, but colder. They are STILL totally numb. There is slight swelling in the cords still, very slight. Not visible but I can feel it. My left nut still has shape and form but it is 2/3 empty if I squeeze it. My right nut is the same but it is only about 1/3 empty when I squeeze it. A couple nights ago I was curious just how numb my nuts were. I stuck a needle through each one. I could feel the skin of my sac just fine. But I stuck the needle all the way through each nut and didn't feel ANYTHING from either nut. Just the skin of my sac. Last night I jerked off. I wasn't horny, I was curious if I could get results. I did. My orgasm consisted of ten (yes I did count) 10 drops (small, eyedropper sized drops) 10 drops of liquid. Whitish color but not the right color. Bland taste. Tasted more like pre-cum than cum. Couldn't get a hard on until just a few seconds before orgasm and lost that hard on just a few seconds after orgasm. Hardon's and orgasm's haven't been real good since the first clamping but this is a substantial decrease in performance. I have jerked off twice in 18 days. The first time was over a week ago and hardon/orgasm was pretty normal that time. But ten drops after not cumming for a week is pretty seriously reduced. The skin on my ball sac has healed, probably a week ago. I can feel some minor itching sometimes but other than that it seems 99% normal. There are still two scar lines where the clamp closed and I know from experience those will be here for a couple years but will fade. My ball sac (skin) has been all tightened up ever since my balls started getting colder. Even a hot shower doesn't make the skin loosen up. But I know from my first clamping this is normal. Since my sac is all shriveled up I can't really tell if they LOOK smaller but I can feel it. As far as the mental side of things is concerned, everything is fine. There is a different feeling, meaning I know something has changed but I can't quite figure out what, or how that change effects me. But I do somehow feel different. I think it may take a bit before I can explain that better since today I still don't understand it myself. TOP September 21 to October 3, 2006 Somewhere shortly after September 20th, as the swelling subsided and the skin healed, there wasn't much that seemed to change so I lost interest in writing updates just to say all is the same. So there is a blank spot there. During this time I think I was adjusting to my bodies lack of whatever testosterone production the first castration didn't kill. There was something different that I couldn't really identify. It was in the way I felt. What was left of my sex drive was gone. Until now I had been very concerned with if my castration was successful or not. It was easy to do updates because I was obsessed with the changes myself. When the updates stopped it's because I wasn't asking myself all the time if I though it was succeeding. My concern had been replaced with curiosity, and hope. But suddenly the success or failure wasn't such a big deal anymore. Until now I had been unable to forget that there were balls between my legs. Being unable to forget that made it impossible for me to really feel that I was an eunuch. Now a different understanding of it developed. I knew that I was successful, and that my balls would die. I wasn't sure if I'd have to clamp them a third time, but I knew I would if necessary. So I knew that one way or another they would die. Suddenly the pressure to see them gone was lessened. The concern was gone. I calmly rationalized that they would soon be totally dead, if they already were not. And for the first time that was good enough for me. Somewhere along this train of though I realized that for the first time I truly felt that I was now an eunuch. I spent a lot of time thinking about this and trying to realize what it meant to me, what final steps, if any, do I need to take to merge this into my personality. This will be an ongoing project. I must be vigilant to avoid any further risks of depression and I will be. TOP September 20, 2006 Tonight my right nut: the cords are still swollen up in a good sized knot. It's a lot smaller than yesterday but still substantial. There is no feeling in the swollen cord except for one place I can't identify that hurts! if I touch it. For the right ball, yesterday it was soft and squishy. Today it is full and firm. It is still numb but not as numb as yesterday. I think it may be recovering. As for my left nut: the cords are still swollen but not a very big lump. It is vastly smaller than it was yesterday. The swollen lump is totally numb. My left nut, is soft and squishy. It was yesterday but today it is even squishier. It feels like the nut is only half full. The nut is totally numb. If I squeeze it I feel nothing. My sac as you can see, looks horrible. Well it feels like it looks. By the time I'd been at work 3 or 4 hours today it was hurting. Not bad, just gentle little throbs and twitches to remind me anytime I moved. After 5 or 6 hours it was reminding me even when I didn't move. By the time I got home I had to peel my underwear off it and as I stood there naked it felt like it was on fire. Then I soaked in a hot tub with a generous dose of bath salts and afterwards it felt pretty decent again, as long as I don't touch it. If I could soak it every 4 hours or so I wouldn't bother me. As far as temperature, my sac is abnormally warm, as most skin is while it heals. My balls do not feel even a bit cold. They also do not feel warm. When I say feel I mean what my fingers feel when they touch my balls/scrotum. The temperature thing is the first major difference I've experienced between my first clamping and my second. Last time, by now my balls were very cold. Not only could I feel the coldness in my sac, but I could feel the coldness in my legs. This time there is no coldness at all. ??? Not in either nut. TOP September 19, 2006 Today I didn't stay at work very long. Everything is going well but here's the new observations for day 3: My sac hurts. This pain is not inside the sac, the pain is the sac itself as the cuts heal. The skin has been hurting quite a bit all day. Now that I'm home and naked the pain has subsided considerably. The skin of my sac is very warm, so warm that I cannot tell if my balls are cooler or warmer than before. My cords are still swollen but not quite as much as yesterday. My balls themselves are numb. I can squeeze them much more than I ever could and feel nothing. They do not retain their shape when I squeeze as well as they did yesterday, but they don't totally loose their shape either. Mentally I feel back to normal. Last Sunday (day 1) I was a mental zombie. Monday wasn't much better. I think I can describe it as spacey. TOP September 17, 2006 I woke up this morning. As I got out of bed my balls and sac felt pretty much normal. The pain was gone, nothing was throbbing. There was a bit of swelling, not enough to really see, but enough that I can feel my balls between my legs. Makes it a bit uncomfortable to walk because my legs hit my ball sac. No pain, just mild discomfort due to the scabbed "cuts" My cords are swollen up so much that the wad of cords where I clamped feels as big as my ball does. They ache but don't really hurt. My balls are cool to the touch but not cold (not yet) yet my sac is normal temperature. They are totally numb. I can grab either of them and squish it without pain. When I let go they instantly return to their original shape - they still have their shape and form but they have no real feeling. My ejaculatory ducts still ache but but it is a dull ache today, like I can feel the ache but I can't really feel it. Sorry can't explain it any better than that. Something down in my cords, between the clamp location and my balls - also feels like it wants to hurt. I can feel something that feels like they are trying to cause pain, yet I cannot actually feel the pain. My ball sac does not appear swollen but it does feel like it is slightly swollen. I still feel strange. There is an unusual knot in my stomach - not really pain or anything, it's more like that nervous kind of knot. I am not really interested in anything today, what I really want to do right now is go back to sleep, and let the time pass until my balls are gone. But I won't. I'm going to stay awake and watch my balls. There hasn't been any more bleeding today. The cut marks are scabbed, and all the scabs seem to be properly closed. TOP September 16, 2006 After I removed the burdizzo I inspected my work, took some pictures and cleaned up the blood as best as I could. I felt weird. My cords were starting to throb. Not really hurt, not yet, but just throb. I could feel them swelling but the painkiller hadn't worn off yet so I could feel the throb without really feeling the pain. I was very happy with what I had done but I just felt physically weird. I can't really describe it, it wasn't a bad feeling, just a weird one. I was kind of like being detached from myself, floating in a cloud or something. Like I knew what I had done but couldn't believe it, couldn't really feel it (not yet anyway) After about thirty minutes as the xylocaine wore off the pain kicked in. First up in the bottom of my stomach as my ejaculatory ducts started throbbing. This didn't hurt but was very uncomfortable. Then my sac started to hurt. Now when I say hurt, I should really say HURT!!!!! because the pain was tremendous. About this time I got really dizzy and started sweating. For about 5 minutes I thought I was going to pass out. I felt really bad, bad enough it started to scare me. I got in bed and laid down. My sac and my cords were in horrible pain. I was having the cold sweats and felt really scary for about 20 minutes, I just laid there, hoping it would pass, wanting to get up and get some ice to put on my sac; believing that I would fall over if I tried to walk to the kitchen. After 20 or 30 minutes, it did pass. My sac and cords were still throbbing and my ejaculatory ducts were still throbbing, too, but the cold sweats and dizziness were done. I got up and started moving around, put some ice on my sac and let that do it's work and all was well. The pain had settled down and was mostly just a dull ache now. My right nut was still bleeding a bit. I made quite a mess. I got in the shower and cleaned off the blood. Let everything dry, took some more pics and bandaged it all up. It took about 4 hours for the pain to subside enough that I could get to sleep. I left my sac bandaged up and put on some underwear to protect the bandage, and went to sleep. TOP

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On September 16, 2006, I clamped myself with a burdizzo. I clamped each nut twice. Here's the log of my experience afterward.

October 10, 2007

Now it's been 13 months since my second clamping. My balls have shrunk steadily but slowly. They're a lot smaller then they were, and what I can feel and not see, is that the shell of the nut is at least half empty. I have no doubt they're dead, but I haven't had a second t-test to actually confirm it. Anyway, they feel a lot smaller but don't really look a lot smaller. They aren't really cold, but they are cooler than the rest of me. The skin of my sac is healthy and warm. I don't really have any feeling in my nuts, if I squeeze them I do feel something, it's not really pain, but it feels bad.

Sexually, my sex drive is just gone. I couldn't care less. If I try to masturbate, it feels about as satisfying as giving myself a finger massage. My dick hasn't lost much length, probably because my prince albert tries to stretch it. But it has lost just about all it's thickness. Over the past six months I think I have woke up witha hard on three times, and two of them were right after I started taking testosterone.

I do still look at attractive people, but they don't attract me any more. I used to only look at men, but now I look at men and women equally. Because I don't connect sex with looking anymore, sexual preference has become irrelevant. Now, an attractive person, is an attractive person. Period, regardless of gender. It's kind of relaxing in a strange kind of way.

I stopped taking the estridol about a month ago. I really didn't want to take testosterone, so I was hoping that maybe I could get away with taking estrogen instead. While I did experience a lot of good effects from the estrogen, I also did a lot of research on the subject. I learned that estrogen could do some good things for me, but that the most important fuctions required testosterone. A certain amount of testosterone is necessary for our long term good health, and no matter how much I want to, I can't change that. So I stopped taking the estridol, and now am taking a very small dose of bioidentical testosterone. I'm working on pages for my site to share what I've learned and experienced in more detail, I'm not done yet but you can get there from this link.

Over the last couple months, I've experienced some changes but can't distinguish what's from the castration; and what's from the estrogen. Both could have caused the loss of muscle tone I've expereinced. I've gained 5 pounds, but the loss of muscle tone has added 4 inches to my waist and also given me flabbier thighs and butt. This could have been from the castration, or the estrogen, or both. I'll never know.

Before my first castration, I was about 95% muscle and in good shape. After the first one, I lost a little muscle and gained a little fat, but not much. After the second time, I noticed another, much bigger loss of muscle. Then when I started taking the estrogen I lost even more muscle. I've only gained 15 pounds total, but 10 of that has been after the second castration. My waist has grown from 32" to 36". As I look at my body today, I realize while I'm certainly not fat, my body has created a really good foundation to GET fat if I'm not careful.

Before being castrated, I would have been HORRIFIED to even THINK I could get fat. Perhaps one of the biggest changes in me now, is that while I hope I don't get fat, it's not the end of the world if I do. I'd rather live the way I do and if that is the price, so be it. Now that's a big change in how I feel now versus a few years ago!

Mentally things have been good. My mind has been pretty stable, and that's probably from the hormones. Plus some other good stuff has happened, such as I moved to a part of town I've wanted to live in for years (near the water) and since life has been going very well, my overall mood has been pretty good.

I have been exercising more recently and while I can't say I feel stronger or anything, I have certainly built up more endurance. I seem to be pretty much as strong as I ever was, I don't get tired in the store anymore or anything like that.

There really isn't much else new or different. The bottom line is that I'm happy, I'm at peace with myself and who or what I am. I need to work on my hormone therapy and fine tune it a bit, and I really don't care if my nuts finish shrinking or not. (I have to bend over to see past my stomach anyway). My sex drive is gone, and life is good. What more can I say?

Oh I'll try to get some new pictures posted soon and when I do, I'll make this into a link. The don't look much different, they just feel much smaller. Hard to judge what I feel from a picture!

TOP

April 10, 2007

I just (finally) took some new pictures and uploaded them to The Photo Gallery.

One thing that has changed a lot since my castration, is the level of modesty that I feel is natural. Before I was clamped I had no reluctance to take pictures of my nude body and to share those pictures. Now it's different. I now feel a certain sense of modesty that I never felt since I got over my teenage little-dick hang ups. This is one reason it took so long to update my photos - I really didn't want to post them and I still don't. I'm proud of my dick but I don't want you to see it.

On to the facts. First off, for most of the past week I feel different when I walk or even sit around. I no longer can feel my balls swinging when I walk...and when I sit I only feel them if I happen to sit ON one. And then it's not a hurt, it is just a feeling like I sat on something foreign.

My balls feel, and act, quite dead. They are chilly to the touch. Both are totally numb - not the skin, just the testicle inside the skin. They have lost size, more than you can tell in the pictures because the pictures don't reflect the fact that much of the lump you see, is actually empty shell, and also the fact that there is enough cord mass still attached to that shell to make it look bigger than it feels.

I have been having some problems with arm pain that kicks in if I spend too much time on the keyboard. I know there are nerves in the elbow that are generally protected by muscle, and these nerves can be damaged by poor positioning of your arms while typing. For my age this should not be a problem but it appears to be. I suspect that I have lost muscle tone in my arm and that is preventing my body from protecting these nerves. I'm OK provided I don't spend too much time typing and watch the position of my elbows while I'm doing it.

I spent a lot of last week working outside in the Florida heat and barely sweat at all. Came home very dirty but couldn't smell any perspiration odor at all.

My body hair now grows so slowly you can barely notice it. I shaved around valentines day: that's two months ago. In that time my body hair has grown about as much as it used to grow in two or three weeks.

About two weeks ago, I started taking a low dosage of hormones. The final factor in my decision to do so, was the fact that I could not control what I call my bad feelings - feelings of uselessness, purposelessness. I knew these feelings were unfounded, I could fight them, but I could not stop them. I lacked the motivation to actually take any action that could finally put an end to them. I had to fight on a daily basis the bad things my own mind would throw at me, and finally, I got tired of the fight.

Gradually over the past two weeks, I have found a few changes. First off, I no longer require such an excessive amount of sleep. I no longer have to force myself to get out of bed in the morning. I actually look forward a little more to doing things than I did before hormones. Plus my "bad feelings" have been decreasing steadily - still have a ways to go but the battle has taken a distinct turn in my favor.

Now I am not taking male hormones - I really don't want any possible return to having a sex drive and I am not looking to restore whatever masculinity that I may have lost. I am taking a hormone called Progynova - which is estradiol valerate. I take 1 mg in the morning, and 1 mg in the evening. This very small dosage should allow my body to get part of what it needs, without feminizing my body, which is good, because I do not want to change in either direction - masculine or feminine. BUT, since I still have no great absense of masculinity in my personality, if I do change, I would prefer minor changes toward feminity. PROVIDED I don't wind up with breasts or anything like that.

I have good reason to expect that female hormones could cause me to gain more weight - and if so then I will readjust my plan. Currently I am 5'5" and I weight 155 ... I could easily gain ten more pounds without any significant change in appearance. (of course I do enjoy the advantage of not really wanting to attract someone).

I figure that I will have to play around with the dosage a little to get it right, and after everything stabilizes I will cut my current dosage in half - down to 1 mg. per day. But only time will tell, I may need to change which drug I take or the dosage.

But for the moment, considering how I much better I feel mentally, and the extra energy I have found, I am happy with my decision. I closely monitor what is going on and will keep you posted.

For anyone who wants to know, I did a ton of internet research on hormones - both male and female. I did not get these hormones from a Doctor because no Doctor would have prescribed what I wanted without all the mental evaluation crap. I researched effects, side effects, dosages, and more before I finally made a decision. Then I ordered my hormones online from Inhouse Pharmacy, I have a three month supply which cost me about $60. I have enjoyed good service from Inhouse Pharmacy and recommend them highly. But I also recommend that anyone use GREAT CARE before they prescribe themselves a drug such as I have. The dosage taken depends on many factors including body weight, activity level, lifestyle as well as desired effects and other pre-existing health conditions. WHAT WORKS FOR ME MAY NOT WORK FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

TOP

March 22, 2007

Over the last week, the swelling in my cords has gradually gone down. My balls don't really LOOK any different, but I can feel a huge difference in them. Both of them are less than half the size of what they were before I swelled up. But they are still wrapped up in so much cord that my sac doesn't really look any different. What's left of my balls is still pretty firm, like the half that is gone was. So I suspect that they will continue to loose mass over the coming weeks or months. Anyway, at the moment they are a little less than half the size they were when I clamped them the second time.

I'm working on a revised photos page and when I finish it I will put some recent photos up there too. But right now there aren't any photos you can see. I'm actually working on a major overhaul of the entire site that should be up by April 1st.

TOP

March 15, 2007

Last week my sac started swelling up. Both balls looked HUGE and my sac was swollen almost like I had just clamped it. Closer inspection with my fingers revealed that my balls themselves, were half empty again, and the cords where they connect to the ball is where the swelling was. What is left of my ball was still firm, but it looks like the insides of the ball is breaking up and being flushed out of my body via the cords, causing the cords to swell as the dead tissue passes through.

Mentally, I feel a bit better. I still have some bad feelings, but they are much milder and I spend much less time fighting them now.

TOP

March 1, 2007

For the last week or so, both of my balls have been giving me little "pain attacks" where one or the other of them will hurt like hell for about ten seconds then the pain subsides and goes away, and the ball will be numb again. This will happen three or four times a day, at various times. There seems to be no pattern beyond the fact that it happens every 3 or 4 hours. Other than this, they are both still numb, and still very solid.

I am really having to fight this mental stuff again. So far I've been winning the fight but frankly the fight itself is beginning to wear me down. I call this "testosterone withdrawal" and I know that soon my body will adjust and I will be able to maintain again, like after the first castration. I also know hormones would solve the problem and I am wrestling with the thoughts of taking the easy way out. I have pretty much decided to do so, I just need to do some more research.

TOP

February 15, 2007

Not much new ... I feel kind of mentally blah, still fighting the bad feelings, still winning the fight.

I have gained about five more pounds since last September. That puts my total post-castration weight gain at 10 pounds, from 145 to 155. I can feel that my butt is a little bigger, and I can see that I have put a little weight on my upper chest, and maybe a bit in my thighs. But overall distribution is pretty good, and the extra ten pounds was really needed.

My balls are still very firm and solid. I mean solid not as in the opposite of squishy, but solid like a basketball kind of solid. They are both quite numb and don't really look like they've lost any mass. They don't look or feel alive but certainly haven't shrunk.

TOP

January 30, 2007

My balls have gotten very hard and firm. They're still both numb, cool but not cold. I still have zero sex drive, but I am more aware of being emotionally alone then I have been up 'till now. I am equally aware that I can solve this emotional issue any time I want to.

Of more significance, is the fact that my state of mind is less solid than it has been. When I got so depressed in 2002-2003, I was plagued with feelings of uselessness, worthlessness, and just a general self-dislike. I knew the feelings were unfounded but my mind kept throwing them at me anyway. Gradually as I climbed out of the depression, those feelings have faded and gotten more distant. Well, Those "bad feelings" are back. It's not really strong but my mind is throwing those little guilt trips at me again. This does convince me that the 'mental instability' of 2002-2003 as well as this last week is caused by low testosterone. It also suggests that my t-level has dropped even more since the test.

Another significant change is the way my body perspires. Now after the first castration, the amount of sweat my body produced, dropped considerably. BUT my perspiration still stunk and when it was hot I still would sweat quite a lot. Not anymore. Now there is a noticeable difference in the odor of my perspiration - mostly in that there IS no odor to speak of. Also when hot, I do still sweat, but not very much.

TOP

January 9, 2007

I am very comfortable that my balls have lost mass since I last wrote. They are not really shrinking, they are loosing mass inside the shell. The shell itself doesn't really feel any smaller. Visually they look pretty much like they did a few weeks ago, but when I squish them they flatten out a lot more than ever before.

Someone wrote me a few months ago and mentioned that my situation sounded like it could be a sub-capsular castration. This is where they remove the insides of the testicle and leave the shell so that you look the same as you did. I guess this can also happen by chance and it seems to be that she could have been correct. It does seem to be going that way.

There was a time when I would have been horribly concerned that I didn't look castrated. Since the second clamping this has lessened quite a bit. Frankly I consider myself castrated and no longer really care if the sac is empty or not. It would be nice if it was. It would be nice if I won the lottery, too.

Remember that I live in Florida and right now it's in the 70's in the daytime most days. So normally I would sweat quite easily. The first castration caused me to perspire less, but I still did perspire a lot. Now I hardly perspire at all. I stopped wearing deodorant about ten days ago, and still have yet to notice any odor or for that matter, more than just a tiny bit of dampness in my armpits at all. This is a big change just since the second castration.

Since my encounter with physical weakness a few weeks ago, I have been walking and exercising regularly and have not noticed any further change in physical strength. Nor has it improved. The exercise seems to be allowing me to maintain but not improve.

Sexually my dick doesn't even twitch anymore. If it got hard by itself I'd be to shocked to do anything with it. If I play with it, I will eventually get partially hard but not like it used to. I don't have much desire to play with it, either.

I have been having some difficulties the last few weeks with stress from work and probably from the holidays, too. It feels like I am wrestling with the depression demons again but I am winning this time, because I know they are there. Anyway I do think it means that my testosterone level has gone down more, so it's likely that over the next few weeks I will experience more changes.

I still haven't had anything that I could identify as a hot flash. I will say that I think my butt is bigger. I have taken pictures and I cannot see a difference, but it sure does feel different - bigger - than it was just a short while ago. It could be a change in muscle tone that makes it feel bigger. Since I have no idea how much I weighed a few months ago it doesn't matter what I weigh today. I cannot really detect any other muscle tone changes.

I have noticed another significant change in how fast my body hair grows. There is no real change in my facial hair, but the hair in my armpits is growing very slowly. The hair on the top of my chest, which used to be as thick as the rest of my chest hair - now the hair above my nipples is almost non existent. It does grow, but at a pace that's so slow, you can count the hairs.

TOP

December 19, 2006

The last few days I've noticed that my balls aren't as squishy as they were a few weeks ago. The left ball is about 2/3 empty and the right ball is about 1/2 empty. But now the part that isn't empty is firmer. They are still numb but I have felt some odd twinges down there at various different times. Something is changing but I'm not sure yet if they are finishing dying or starting to wake back up.

On the other hand I still have absolutely no sex drive and in every other way feel like it's been successful. In fact my sex drive is so gone that often many days go by when I don't even think about checking to see if my balls are different. I can sit here and spend hours working on my site never even thinking about how my balls are progressing.

I haven't had any other real issues with being tired, but I have been walking a lot more and trying to be more active. So I have probably built back up to a more normal endurance limit - at least for now.

No new photos this week. They look just like they did last time.

TOP

December 10, 2006

I will now say with absolutely no doubt, that I am experiencing a loss of energy, or loss of strength. More accurately, loss of endurance.

Recently I have noticed at odd times that I seem to get winded a bit quicker than I used to. Yesterday in the grocery store, I noticed that carrying that little basket around the store was unusually tiring. Today, just lugging my laundry around to get it in the washer wore me out. I recovered quickly after I was done. I didn't have that much laundry, it should not have been that tiring.

Even now when I do things around the house, while I haven't yet noticed anything specific, I do seem to tire more from doing simple things than I used to.

At this point in time, it is annoying, but not yet anything that I think I can't deal with by doing something a little more vigorous for exercise. We'll see how that goes.

TOP

December 1, 2006

The most significant change for now is that I have problems motivating myself to even just inspect my nuts. The concern for if they are gone or not is no longer there. They feel to me as if they are shrinking. I'm not having sexual thoughts or feelings. It seems to me that I have been successful and most days go by, with my nuts getting no more attention than is necessary to wash them.

The left nut feels almost empty, yet the shell doesn't seem to have shrunk, it's just the inside. The right nut is fuller and firmer than the left. Both of them are still totally numb.

My cords have been hurting. When I do not touch them I do not feel them, but, after I wash or in any other way touch them, they will throb for a while afterwards.

My sac is almost always shriveled up. It's because my cords are shriveled up causing my balls to not reach as low as they used to.

My brain still tells me to masturbate; my body replies WHY? I no longer have an answer to the question.

My overall mood is still excellent. Life certainly isn't perfect; you'd never know from my mood. It's like I am high ... on life or something.

I have been doing a lot of walking, recreationally, since my grocery store incident. I have always walked, but as I considered that problem I realized that since September 16 I had spent most of my free time on this site and very little of it walking. That basic "out of shape" issue probably contributed to my being tired as I walked home. Truth is, with where my t-level is right now, I shouldn't be experiencing much of a loss of strength or endurance YET.

Someone wrote to me and suggested I put a rubber band around my sac for the pictures; thinking this would show better the change in size. First off, stretching my cords out hurts. That is an idea that would hurt! Second it wouldn't give anything to compare the photo to. And last, I'm simply not interested enough to have ANY desire to do something such as that. So while it could be a worthwhile suggestion, I'm not doing that, at least not for now.

Basically, all is well. I think my nuts should have done more shrinking than they have, yet people with more experience than I have written to say that isn't so. It appears I may have many months to wait yet before they are really gone.

I am pretty confident that they are not functioning.

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November 19, 2006

My balls feel more empty now than they did last time I really checked them out. It's been a few days. They also feel, and look smaller now. They are still totally numb. They both still feel emptier than they look, I can squeeze the left one almost totally flat with very little effort. The right one is slightly fuller than the left but not a lot fuller. The skin of my sac is fully healed and has all the feeling it should...it's just the nuts inside the sac that are numb.

Earlier today I walked about four blocks to the grocery store to get some crap, probably about ten pounds worth. I planned to walk home with it; no big deal, it's a beautiful day today. This is something I've done for years, I love to be able to walk or bike ride close by to shop like this. Anyway today I got all done and started to go home. I hadn't even made it out of the parking lot before I was tired. The grocery bags seemed to weigh a ton! I stuck it out and kept walking, but to be honest the entire four blocks was a struggle, I wanted to sit down and rest! Just two weeks ago the exact same chore was well within my abilities, so this "weakness" is new, just here in the last couple weeks.

I'm in a real good mood, have been for weeks now. Real positive, real upbeat. I feel that I have all kinds of stuff to live for, to look forward to. It is an unusually good mood for the circumstances, for while life is good, it certainly isn't perfect.

Anyway there isn't a lot else that's changed or is new.

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November 15, 2006

You probably already know that last Friday I went and took a serum testosterone test. This test measures the level of testosterone in the blood.

An eunuch I know who was castrated successfully by a burdizzo said that about two months after he was clamped, his t-level was 310 which is higher than mine is. He also said that at the one year mark, his had dropped to 115 which is damned near a female reading. So from his experiences, the reading I have right now is not really an indication of anything. As the Doctor said, I will have to have another reading in the future to find out for sure.

Besides that, there isn't much different. My nuts are still totally numb and my sex drive still seems to be totally missing. Not much difference in the size or feel of my nuts since last week.

It's been a very busy week at work and tonight I'm rather tired. Other than that, I am doing quite well. So I will work on this site another night.

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November 8, 2006

Today they are back to feeling empty. Emptier than they felt on Nov. 3rd. The skin of my sac is starting to return to normal but my balls have less weight now, so they do not make the sac hang as low as it used to. Both balls are still totally numb. There is feeling in the cords above the places where they were clamped, and none below there.

I thought I had no sex drive last week then I got to this week and found I have less. A couple weeks ago sex was a subject that offended me. It offends me less today. I am still not interested, but at least I can talk about the subject without taking offense. I assume that I am becoming more secure in my lack of a sex drive now, that is probably the difference.

Days go by now without me even thinking to check my balls. I work on this site a lot and I do so and never even think "are my balls smaller".

It used to be if I sat around my house nude for so much as five minutes I would wind up jerking off. Not anymore. I can sit around all day nude and the only time I even think about HAVING a dick is if I have to piss. I did jerk off this weekend, more out of curiosity than anything else. It was easier than I expected, but I guess after two weeks without doing anything I shouldn't be surprised. Anyway the semen was much more watery, and clearer than it was before. A lot.

I took my Prince Albert out a few weeks ago to wash it up and didn't have the interest to put it back in, thinking I will tomorrow. It's been two or three weeks and tomorrow still hasn't got here. I no longer find it erotic.

Next Saturday I am going to tell my older sister what I have done. She's the most open minded person in my family but I expect I will really shock her. Anyway I'll let you know what happens.

Oh yea, the argument last week? Well he is still avoiding me. I am not upset but I am still angry. I haven't changed a bit since the argument. I wasn't out of control then, just angry. And I still feel exactly the same way I did then. The anger is there, IF I think about it. But the anger doesn't obsess me or even disturb my mood. This is another new dimension to anger for me.

As our weather starts cooling down, I find that the cooler temperatures effect me more now than they ever have before. It is not a problem, I just notice it more than I used to. I still have not experienced anything I could call a hot flash.

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November 3, 2006

Every since my balls started feeling "empty", I've noticed that they would be a certain amount of empty for a few days, then they would firm up for a day or so, then they would go back to being empty again. It seems like each time they went back to being empty, it was a little emptier than it had been before the firm spell. Well, last night and today they were firm. They are semi empty right now and I don't know yet where they will end up.

My sac is still rather tight. The skin can loosen up, but doesn't unless I take a hot bath or something. The right nut, right where the clamp folded the skin, is tender, not painful. I'm not sure if it is the skin or the cords inside, because the feeling isn't constant.

My brain sure is trying to tell me it's time to masturbate, but I still have no interest. I think I'm a little past two weeks right now, which for me is amazing. Physically, my body doesn't miss it. My brain is trying to make up for it.

Both balls are still totally numb.

I proved the other day that I do still have a temper. I got into a real good argument with one of the salesmen at work. (I am his boss) But it was different. I wasn't wrong to be pissed, or to argue. He had already pushed me far beyond what in days gone by I would have tolerated. Also even during the argument, there was a new kind of control inside me. As I was arguing, I knew it was because I wanted to. I hadn't lost my temper, I wasn't out of control. I'm sure that everyone who saw us THOUGHT I'd lost my temper, but I hadn't. What words came out of my mouth were just as planned and rational as they would have been in a normal conversation. It was a whole new way to be pissed off.

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October 29, 2006

My balls are still totally numb. My sac is healed so well you can barely see the scars. They will fade nicely. My cords are no longer swollen but I can feel knots in them like scar tissue or something.

This week my right nut has changed a lot more than my left. The death of the left nut seems to have slowed a bit, and the death of the right nut seems to be speeding up.

My left ball feels almost empty. It does still have it's shape. It feels a lot smaller than it looks. I squeeze it and can feel some cord or vein that is inside the nut between my fingers. Last week there wasn't much flesh to insulate them. This week it feels like there is none.

My right ball is a lot emptier now. Not as empty as my left nut. It feels flat. This is the first hint of a loss of shape I've seen. I don't think it looks as flat or as small as it seems.

For a couple weeks now I've been fairly certain the left nut would die. It was so far ahead of the right one on being 'empty'. I haven't been as sure about the right nut; I knew shrinkage had occurred but wasn't sure how much more to expect. Now I can have no doubt, the feel of my right nut is past what I expect would be the point of no return. There is so little substance inside either of them now, that I find it very hard to believe they could recover.

I am starting to experience something new. Sometimes my balls will have a little twinge of ache. I just squeezed them both to write the above paragraphs. Right now, after squeezing them, I feel them ache from the squeeze. But I don't feel it. It's like I know they are trying to ache, but I can't feel it. There is no pain, no discomfort, actually no feeling at all except for the skin. It's like a numbed ache. I know it's there but I can't feel it. This is new. It passes pretty quick and I don't always have to squeeze them to make it happen, sometimes I can do it by moving. Probably meaning when my legs squeeze my nuts. Anyway my theory is, that I am somehow feeling the gradual shrinkage. No clue if that's true but it makes as much sense as anything else.

Anyway all in all I think everything is progressing well. I have little doubt my balls are still dying. Mentally everything is going well. Sexually everything isn't going which of course was the original plan.

The other morning I did wake up with a morning erection. The first in months! And it didn't want to go down. The interesting thing was my perception. I never even considered jerking off. Sex acts didn't enter my brain. I saw it as a curiosity, watching as I wondered how long it would last. It lasted 4 or 5 minutes which was at least twice as long as expected. I think it was more a piss-hard on than anything else but they don't happen often anymore either.

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October 23, 2006

Well everything is moving right along. Both my nuts are still totally numb. Both still have their shape, but if I squeeze them each is 'emptier' than it was last week. Especially the left nut. When I squeeze it I can actually feel the cord inside the testicle, there is no longer enough flesh inside there to insulate it.

The left one looks smaller. The right one might, I'm not yet sure. I took some pictures tonight and sent them in, soon they'll be in the photos section of the group.

My nuts feel cold when I sit around and they lay on my legs.

Bottom line is they are still there, but they are still acting like they are shriveling up. Since I've never had my nuts shrivel up and die before I don't know just how they should act. But I think they are still dying. Just not as fast as I would like.

On the other hand, I don't really have much luck masturbating anymore. I still can, and yes it still feels good to stimulate my penis. But I just don't have the motivation. If I grab it and start jerking my mind will be saying "Why" and I have no answer. I just don't care anymore.

I've been working a lot on my web site. Used to be if I spent all day pouring through castration stuff by the end of the day I'd just have to jerk off on general principal if nothing else. Yesterday I worked on the site all day and answered a bunch of email and all and at night I did think about how I could jerk off and I just failed to get up and do it. Masturbation rated about as high as clipping my toenails. This is what I've really wanted, to just not care. And I don't.

I guess the biggest real change is in my perception. I don't really know if I'll be totally successful this time or not. But I know that I BELIEVE I've been successful. Most importantly, to me, for the first time, I really feel like an eunuch, because finally, I just can't find any of my sex drive.

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October 18, 2006

Right now my gut instinct is that both nuts are dying. But I'm not ready to say for sure yet. Both are still totally numb and both feel a lot emptier. They still have their shape.

I clamped each side twice and if I do succeed I think that will be the big difference. I have no doubt that if I had only clamped once per side, like the first time, everything would already be healed up. This time the damage was too massive for that.

I can say that what was left of my sex drive seems to have drove away without me. Last night after I got home from work, my brain told me to masturbate and I decided sure, why not? I decided that later on after dinner & all, I would masturbate. Guess what? I FORGOT. I never would have believed that was possible until it happened to me.

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October 11, 2006

Both testicles still have their shape but today both of them seem considerably emptier than they were a couple days ago. I think they are both trying to die :-) Both of them are totally numb and my scrotum is healed up but the marks still show.
Every once in a while I will get a twitch down there, I think it is in the cords where the last little lump is healing. It doesn't hurt, it is kind of like a healing itch. A minor discomfort. I tried masturbating last night lost interest in the first 5 minutes. Don't have enough interest to try tonight. Don't really care.

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October 4, 2006

Hi Guys. Sorry I've been quiet so long. Everything is going fine and I feel great but I really haven't wanted to talk about this subject bad enough to sit down and type something. The hornier I am the more I want to talk about this. I have not been in the least little bit horny. This is a good sign...

Anyway today I am not at all sure that it has failed. This week my nuts have gotten colder. Not cold, but colder. They are STILL totally numb. There is slight swelling in the cords still, very slight. Not visible but I can feel it. My left nut still has shape and form but it is 2/3 empty if I squeeze it. My right nut is the same but it is only about 1/3 empty when I squeeze it.

A couple nights ago I was curious just how numb my nuts were. I stuck a needle through each one. I could feel the skin of my sac just fine. But I stuck the needle all the way through each nut and didn't feel ANYTHING from either nut. Just the skin of my sac.

Last night I jerked off. I wasn't horny, I was curious if I could get results. I did. My orgasm consisted of ten (yes I did count) 10 drops (small, eyedropper sized drops) 10 drops of liquid. Whitish color but not the right color. Bland taste. Tasted more like pre-cum than cum. Couldn't get a hard on until just a few seconds before orgasm and lost that hard on just a few seconds after orgasm. Hardon's and orgasm's haven't been real good since the first clamping but this is a substantial decrease in performance. I have jerked off twice in 18 days. The first time was over a week ago and hardon/orgasm was pretty normal that time. But ten drops after not cumming for a week is pretty seriously reduced.

The skin on my ball sac has healed, probably a week ago. I can feel some minor itching sometimes but other than that it seems 99% normal. There are still two scar lines where the clamp closed and I know from experience those will be here for a couple years but will fade. My ball sac (skin) has been all tightened up ever since my balls started getting colder. Even a hot shower doesn't make the skin loosen up. But I know from my first clamping this is normal. Since my sac is all shriveled up I can't really tell if they LOOK smaller but I can feel it.

As far as the mental side of things is concerned, everything is fine. There is a different feeling, meaning I know something has changed but I can't quite figure out what, or how that change effects me. But I do somehow feel different. I think it may take a bit before I can explain that better since today I still don't understand it myself.

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September 21 to October 3, 2006

Somewhere shortly after September 20th, as the swelling subsided and the skin healed, there wasn't much that seemed to change so I lost interest in writing updates just to say all is the same. So there is a blank spot there. During this time I think I was adjusting to my bodies lack of whatever testosterone production the first castration didn't kill. There was something different that I couldn't really identify. It was in the way I felt.

What was left of my sex drive was gone.

Until now I had been very concerned with if my castration was successful or not. It was easy to do updates because I was obsessed with the changes myself. When the updates stopped it's because I wasn't asking myself all the time if I though it was succeeding. My concern had been replaced with curiosity, and hope. But suddenly the success or failure wasn't such a big deal anymore.

Until now I had been unable to forget that there were balls between my legs. Being unable to forget that made it impossible for me to really feel that I was an eunuch. Now a different understanding of it developed. I knew that I was successful, and that my balls would die. I wasn't sure if I'd have to clamp them a third time, but I knew I would if necessary. So I knew that one way or another they would die. Suddenly the pressure to see them gone was lessened. The concern was gone. I calmly rationalized that they would soon be totally dead, if they already were not. And for the first time that was good enough for me. Somewhere along this train of though I realized that for the first time I truly felt that I was now an eunuch.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this and trying to realize what it meant to me, what final steps, if any, do I need to take to merge this into my personality. This will be an ongoing project. I must be vigilant to avoid any further risks of depression and I will be.

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September 20, 2006

Tonight my right nut: the cords are still swollen up in a good sized knot. It's a lot smaller
than yesterday but still substantial. There is no feeling in the swollen cord except for one place I can't identify that hurts! if I touch it. For the right ball, yesterday it was soft and squishy. Today it is full and firm. It is still numb but not as numb as yesterday. I think it may be recovering.

As for my left nut: the cords are still swollen but not a very big lump. It is vastly smaller than it was yesterday. The swollen lump is totally numb. My left nut, is soft and squishy. It was yesterday but today it is even squishier. It feels like the nut is only half full. The nut is totally numb. If I squeeze it I feel nothing.

My sac as you can see, looks horrible. Well it feels like it looks. By the time I'd been at work 3 or 4 hours today it was hurting. Not bad, just gentle little throbs and twitches to remind me anytime I moved. After 5 or 6 hours it was reminding me even when I didn't move. By the time I got home I had to peel my underwear off it and as I stood there naked it felt like it was on fire.

Then I soaked in a hot tub with a generous dose of bath salts and afterwards it felt pretty decent again, as long as I don't touch it. If I could soak it every 4 hours or so I wouldn't
bother me.

As far as temperature, my sac is abnormally warm, as most skin is while it heals. My balls do not feel even a bit cold. They also do not feel warm. When I say feel I mean what my fingers feel when they touch my balls/scrotum.

The temperature thing is the first major difference I've experienced between my first clamping and my second. Last time, by now my balls were very cold. Not only could I feel the coldness in my sac, but I could feel the coldness in my legs. This time there is no coldness at all. ??? Not in either nut.

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September 19, 2006

Today I didn't stay at work very long. Everything is going well but here's the new observations for day 3:

My sac hurts. This pain is not inside the sac, the pain is the sac itself as the cuts heal. The
skin has been hurting quite a bit all day. Now that I'm home and naked the pain has subsided considerably. The skin of my sac is very warm, so warm that I cannot tell if my balls are cooler or warmer than before.

My cords are still swollen but not quite as much as yesterday. My balls themselves are numb. I can squeeze them much more than I ever could and feel nothing. They do not retain their shape when I squeeze as well as they did yesterday, but they don't totally loose their shape either.

Mentally I feel back to normal. Last Sunday (day 1) I was a mental zombie. Monday wasn't much better. I think I can describe it as spacey.

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September 17, 2006

I woke up this morning. As I got out of bed my balls and sac felt pretty much normal. The pain was gone, nothing was throbbing.

There was a bit of swelling, not enough to really see, but enough that I can feel my balls between my legs. Makes it a bit uncomfortable to walk because my legs hit my ball sac. No pain, just mild discomfort due to the scabbed "cuts"

My cords are swollen up so much that the wad of cords where I clamped feels as big as my ball does. They ache but don't really hurt.

My balls are cool to the touch but not cold (not yet) yet my sac is normal temperature. They are totally numb. I can grab either of them and squish it without pain. When I let go they instantly return to their original shape - they still have their shape and form but they have no real feeling.

My ejaculatory ducts still ache but but it is a dull ache today, like I can feel the ache but I can't really feel it. Sorry can't explain it any better than that.

Something down in my cords, between the clamp location and my balls - also feels like it wants to hurt. I can feel something that feels like they are trying to cause pain, yet I cannot actually feel the pain.

My ball sac does not appear swollen but it does feel like it is slightly swollen.

I still feel strange. There is an unusual knot in my stomach - not really pain or anything, it's more like that nervous kind of knot. I am not really interested in anything today, what I really want to do right now is go back to sleep, and let the time pass until my balls are gone. But I won't. I'm going to stay awake and watch my balls.

There hasn't been any more bleeding today. The cut marks are scabbed, and all the scabs seem to be properly closed.

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September 16, 2006

After I removed the burdizzo I inspected my work, took some pictures and cleaned up the blood as best as I could. I felt weird. My cords were starting to throb. Not really hurt, not yet, but just throb. I could feel them swelling but the painkiller hadn't worn off yet so I could feel the throb without really feeling the pain.

I was very happy with what I had done but I just felt physically weird. I can't really describe it, it wasn't a bad feeling, just a weird one. I was kind of like being detached from myself, floating in a cloud or something. Like I knew what I had done but couldn't believe it, couldn't really feel it (not yet anyway)

After about thirty minutes as the xylocaine wore off the pain kicked in. First up in the bottom of my stomach as my ejaculatory ducts started throbbing. This didn't hurt but was very uncomfortable. Then my sac started to hurt. Now when I say hurt, I should really say HURT!!!!! because the pain was tremendous.

About this time I got really dizzy and started sweating. For about 5 minutes I thought I was going to pass out. I felt really bad, bad enough it started to scare me. I got in bed and laid down. My sac and my cords were in horrible pain. I was having the cold sweats and felt really scary for about 20 minutes, I just laid there, hoping it would pass, wanting to get up and get some ice to put on my sac; believing that I would fall over if I tried to walk to the kitchen.

After 20 or 30 minutes, it did pass. My sac and cords were still throbbing and my ejaculatory ducts were still throbbing, too, but the cold sweats and dizziness were done. I got up and started moving around, put some ice on my sac and let that do it's work and all was well. The pain had settled down and was mostly just a dull ache now.

My right nut was still bleeding a bit. I made quite a mess. I got in the shower and cleaned off the blood. Let everything dry, took some more pics and bandaged it all up.

It took about 4 hours for the pain to subside enough that I could get to sleep. I left my sac bandaged up and put on some underwear to protect the bandage, and went to sleep.

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